what a week.
Date: 7/8/25 2:03 AM
not too sure where to start this, is it where i found someone that i greatly appreciate? is it where i almost lost one of my best friends? or where a sibling made a poor decision?
Before I confuse myself, I guess I can start in chronological order.
So, putting myself out there has always been a challenge. I'm really nervous, and shy. Low self esteem. The whole works, and I matched with a girl on a dating app :) I took a different approach to this, as I am fearful of getting out in public and actually talking to people, leading to just constantly texting people and getting nowhere with things. This time, I worked on simply getting to know someone as the first step, which worked absolutely great! She lives a little far away, about an hour from me, but I deemed it as worth it. And was I happy I did, our first time meeting each other was in an abandoned parking lot, unsure of what to say to eachother I brought the commonality of our cats to chit chat about, and her brother and his friends swung by to make sure she was okay. They were just looking out for her, which I can't blame them for, making sure im not a crazy murderer or like a serial killer (SHE CHOSE THE PARKING LOT, NOT ME!) and we turned out to have a really good time, met her entire family on the first day, which im unsure if its out of the "norm" or whatever, went on a very speedy but scenic drive, and operated farm equipment/heavy machinery and got some food towards the end of the night. The only thing going through my head at the time was that "it must be meant to be" or something similar to that. It was a nice dark drive home, where we had planned to see each other for independance day. The fourth of july comes, and I got off an hour early that day at work. I arrived to her house where we had sat and talked for a while deafened by the neighboring fireworks. Learned a bit more about her and definitely had a great time! Ended up sleeping on a couch with her brother watching youtube at an alarmingly loud volume, but hey, it was cool.
And while the day was great and enjoyable on the 4th of July, I had a best friend attempt to take his life. He made it through as i'm writing this now, but I have been doing my best to help him and be there for him as support. It was really scary but he is "fully recovered" in the sense that he is no longer a vegtable and able to talk to me.
Now the update with my sibling, my little brother made a poor decisions. Really poor decisions. I wish I could have stopped him, I feel like its my problem, for not stepping up as his bigger brother and handling it for him, for not coming home 15 minutes sooner, all things that were out of my control. The screaming over the phone, the anger, the helplessness.. all things I couldn't handle/control at the time, just because I was out trying to enjoy myself. Watching him go into handcuffs was, rough. In a way. I'm not proud of him for what he did, I'm proud of him because he got what he was yearning for. Justice. Standing on business. Learning control, what to do and what not to do. Temporary emotions lead to lifelong consequences. Keep cool, be safe.
Song of the night. getting into slower stuff lately, and it's helping.
